Once I pop…

I can’t stop. Won’t stop. Eh eh! (That’s a lot of very esoteric and unrelated references in a very short span…realistically that was just a matter of time for me, though. I’m impressed I held out this long.)

Anyway, here’s another comic based on an unfortunately-accurate exchange I had with a co-worker today:

 

ItIs

 

Congrats on graduating from the University of Education with a Ph.D in Advanced Tautology! And moreover, thanks for applying your education so liberally in the workplace. I’d never thought about it before, but it truly is what it is, isn’t it?

Seriously, stop saying this. Even if I look past the rhetorical construct here, it’s not even like you’re making a valid point — you’re essentially throwing your hands in the air and saying “oh well, sucks to be me.” (Which: I agree, but probably not for the reason you think I do.) Stop couching your complaints in this faux-sagely wisdom — you’re not a Buddhist monk reflecting on your life’s journey, you’re just mad that someone gave you more work to do. Settle down, Siddhartha.

–JSG

Please Also Stop Having *This* Conversation at Work

Remember ST’s comics from way back when? They were awesome, and today I realized I had my own to add. This one’s for you, ST!

 

Sneeze

 

 

Ahahaha! Ahh, that’s so amazing: you sneezed — probably because it was dusty in the area, or you sit underneath a vent or something — and you took that concept and conflated it with the idea of allergies…and in this case, your allergy was to work! And now you’re going to parlay that into a joke about how you should probably go home?? Ohh man, that is great. That. Is. GREAT. Nevermind that people with actual allergies still have to go to work, and forget about how you apparently never sneeze at home (I mean, you obviously can’t be allergic both to work AND not-work, am I right??) — forget about all of that stuff. If anything, you should leave work because you’re due on stage, Mr. Carlin!!!!!

Seriously though, I’ve yet to hear anyone sneeze more than once and not have this happen — if the sneezer isn’t the one saying it, someone nearby is. Are we just out of original things to say/talk about at work nowadays? Seriously, I’m getting concerned.

–JSG

Brevity Is the Soul of Wit, and It’s Also a Pretty Great Trait to Have in the Workplace Where It Really Helps You Eliminate Uselessly Long Chats

Did anyone else get the thing I did in the title? No? Alright, nvm, my bad. Anyway, we’ve both touched on this a little bit tangentially, but is there anything worse in life than having someone repeatedly explain something to you that you already get? (The irony of my 1700 word post about interviews is not lost on me, no.) Is there any feeling more helpless than listening to a group of people re-hash the same points over and over again in a meeting that should have taken five minutes but instead took the full 30 because people just couldn’t quite grasp what was really being said? I think I speak for everyone in the world when I say: no, nothing is more annoying than that.

It’s one thing to get roped into conversation with your coworkers — they usually mean well, and contrary to the essence of everything I’ve posted here, having an office full of quiet, miserly dicks would be impossibly annoying. That part’s fine, in small doses. What’s NOT fine is having a work-related conversation about work-related topics and hearing people repeat themselves and reiterate the point countless times. I’m serious, I think this is the thing that aggravates me more than anything else in the workplace — we’ve tackled a lot of subjects here, but just thinking about this one is already upsetting me. Join me on this blood-boiling adventure — the Fury Train is pulling in to Aggravation Station! (I am getting worse and worse at these metaphors, aren’t I?)

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A Case for the Mondays

Seriously, grandma, I get it.
Seriously, grandma, I get it.

“Ah…Monday.” We’ve all heard it a million times, right? And don’t act like you don’t know what context I mean that in: this is WJ, I’m not talking about the time in kindergarten when we learned what all the days of the week are – I’m talking about the bane of your coworkers’ collective existence. Monday. Fuckin’ Monday. MONDAY. A day so universally hated everyone comments on it, including/especially the media. From Office Space to Garfield and everywhere in between, I don’t think I’m overstating anything when I say Monday is literally the worst thing to ever happen in human history even if you combined all of the bad things into one super bad thing.

(By the way, why does Garfield hate Mondays so much? What is he so happy about during the weekend that Monday takes away from him? He doesn’t have a job, his day-to-day responsibilities are basically limited to eating lasagna and mocking Jon…his Mondays sound pretty fuckin’ cool if you ask me.)

(Oh, and one more quick detour while I’m at it [I know, sorry, I’m all over the place today]: If you haven’t ever seen Lasagna Cat or Garfield Minus Garfield, do yourself a favor and check out both. They’re both excellent, excellent reimaginations of Garfield. Totally worth your time.)

Monday though, you guys, seriously though: it’s the worst right? Oh wait a second: Nope. Turns out you’re just lazy and lame and looking for any reason you can find to complain. Most people thrive on complaining (but, uh, not ST and I, that would be ridiculous) – Monday is easily the second-best day of the week, and if anything it’s doing you a FAVOR by filling the “I need to complain about something” void in your life.

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There’s No “I” in “Team,” But There’s Also No “We” in “Corporate Functions Are Boring and Useless”

Pic taken from the amazing and sadly short-lived series Stella

 

Company picnics: we’ve all been there, right? You, your coworkers and their kids and partners, all hanging out in a park or at a family fun center or something. You eat a hot dog or a hamburger, drink a free beer, enter a raffle, maybe play a few games, then you call it a day. Sounds pretty innocent, maybe even, dare I say, fun. Right?

Wrong.

Sorry, let me start over again: Company picnics: what a fuckin’ pain in the ass, right? You, your lame coworkers and their annoying families you don’t care about, all hanging out in whatever place was cheapest for your HR/Events department to rent out for a day. You’re surrounded by terrible food and drink options, the top prize in the raffle is a gym bag and a $25 Olive Garden gift card, and there is NO chance you’re roping yourself to fucking Darryl in IT’s leg for a three-legged race because one wrong move and he’s going to topple over and crush you. Then you call it a day, wondering how you got to this point in your life and wondering why you even went.

Good question, friend, because corporate functions are outdated, useless and incredibly boring experiences to be avoided at all costs.

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Hit the Deck!

I'm here to drink whiskey and take people to task for their horrible PPT skills, and I'm allllll out of whis -- wait, I'm out of whiskey? Shit.
I’m here to drink whiskey and take people to task for their horrible PPT skills, and I’m allllll out of whis — wait, I’m out of whiskey? Shit.

 

When I was in college, I went through a brief stint writing articles about the Carolina Panthers for a Seahawks fan site (I know, there’s a lot to unpack in that sentence). It was a pretty fun side gig: it let me talk football, added a bit of routine/structure to my week, helped me hone my writing skills a bit, etc.

The funniest part of it all, though (well, besides the ridiculousness of the core concept), was our “editorial” staff. If the quotes I used didn’t convey the irony clearly enough, let me tell you: that was a pretty ironic title for their jobs. More often than not, I’d submit a piece for review only to find it they’d edited it…but edited it from correct to incorrect. It usually wasn’t anything major, but I always found it funny that someone was actively ADDING small grammatical/syntax errors to these articles. It’s one thing to not contribute; it’s another thing to actively work against your writers.

 

Although they were responsible for adding this picture to one of them, so that was a win.

 

I didn’t think much of it at the time, though, since it’s not like any of us are perfect linguists (readers of this blog probably already knew that). Besides, we were all amateurs, more or less. Surely if we were PROFESSIONALS, though, there’d be more strict standards. Surely no one, if it was important to their job, would be so cavalier about the details of, oh, I don’t know, a PowerPoint presentation, right?

…oh god damn it.

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Happy Friday: An End-of-the-Week Link Dump

Sorry that posting has been so light around the ol’ WJ offices lately. I know, hard to believe, right?  Turns out distracting yourself from work is a full-time job in and of itself. But in order to feel like I’m being at least a little productive — and, more importantly, to help distract you from your own jobs — here’s a collection of the most interesting links I’ve come across this week. Enjoy! –JSG

 

  • The incomparable 538 finished up its World Cup of global cuisine, and it was fantastic. For something that was mostly data-driven, following the results of each round was surprisingly awesome. [538]
  • Speaking of, they also polled people about their Star Wars preferences, both the movies and the individual characters. Eleventy-quadrillion dollars to the first person who guesses which character was the least favorable! [538]
  • Joe Posnanski wrote up this memorial of Red Klotz, founder and coach of the Harlem Globetrotters, as only Joe Posnanski can: artfully and awesomely. [JoeBlogs]
  • Golf is a great summertime activity, but it’s expensive and like, requires you to go outside — this cool and stylish golf game, however, is free and easy to play at your desk! Besides, you’re way less likely to see UFOs in a real round of golf, so really I’m doing you a favor. [Wonderputt]
  • Is there any animal that looks more like it’s in a perpetual state of happiness than the corgi? Answer: I haven’t found one, that’s for sure. [CorgiAddict]
  • This guy turned all of baseball’s uniforms into soccer kits: the visual results are outstanding, and the explanations/meaning behind the design choices are even better. [Soccer Out of Context]
  • Finally, if you haven’t heard of SlickDeals yet, it’s a great place to find deals on all kinds of cool shit. Odds are you’ve been curious about or in the market for at least something that’s currently listed, and the list is constantly updated. Check it out! [SlickDeals]